Monday, July 7, 2008


I know that along with motherhood comes guilt. I was ready for it. But, yesterday I discovered you can never be fully ready for it.

Sometimes the full impact of having a little person completely dependent on me for her very life hits me full force. When combined with the hormones, sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion of the pregnancy, labour and surgery, the guilt kind of tips you over the edge. I think exercise is the only thing that has kept me from crying sometimes.

I’ve been breast feeding Hannah, so this has limited our time apart. In fact, we hadn’t been apart at all when David’s Aunt offered to look after Hannah so that we could go out. Hannah is two-and-a-half weeks old. Great! Off we went yesterday for a bike ride thinking we had at least 2 hours before Hannah would need to eat again.

At about the 2 hour mark my cell phone rang. Panic. I pulled over and my father in-law asked if he could come visit. I guiltily admitted we were on our way down from a mountain and would be home in 20 minutes. As we got going again, I noticed my rear tire was flat. This delayed us another 10 minutes. I called home and could hear Hannah crying – wailing – in the background. She was hungry. I felt guilty. We cycled home as fast as possible. Hannah’s poor Aunt had been with Hannah crying for about half an hour. An eternity. Poor Hannah – half an hour was even more of an eternity to a two-and-a-half week old.

Word of this event (incident) has already spread through the family. Relatives worry we aren’t bonding with Hannah (we are!). Maybe I really am too selfish to be a parent (I hope not).

I’d rather subscribe to my Mom’s philosophy, which is that a happy Mom (and Dad) is a happy baby. Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. No more separations until I can pump milk into a bottle. I’ve made an appointment with the local breastfeeding clinic already.

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